1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:09,360
This programme contains
some strong language
and scenes of a sexual nature.

2
00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:13,040
Do you fancy me? Of course. Wow!
I wish they'd fuck each other and
get it over with.

3
00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:19,160
Who puts a bare-wire
loop trigger inside the plastic?

4
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:23,400
Our bomber got someone. Shit!
Low metal, same orange wire.

5
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:25,400
Oh, you have been busy, haven't you?

6
00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:39,200
Yeah, it looks like
the same bomb-maker again.

7
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:42,240
I hate it when he leaves me presents.
I never get him anything.

8
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:43,760
He doesn't seem to mind, boss.

9
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,760
I reckon he just
likes the attention.

10
00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:48,520
I wish we could give him
a bit more attention.

11
00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:51,400
Personal attention. To the face.

12
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,360
And/or bollocks.

13
00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:55,960
Whoa, whoa, hang about.
What the...?!

14
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,080
They've got Graham!

15
00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:04,680
Shit! The road's not clear
beyond the device.

16
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:08,640
I got him, boss! Hold!

17
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:10,880
No clear threat to life.
Warning shot, boss?

18
00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:15,400
A warning of what? We can't actually
shoot them unless they shoot first.

19
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:19,880
Those are the rules, boss.
Yeah! Silly, isn't it?

20
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:25,640
We're fighting this whole stupid
war on their terms. Yeah.

21
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,640
If I was an Apache, I'd hate
to come up against that moped.

22
00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:33,000
Technically, this isn't a war, boss.
No? Soldiers. Bombs.

23
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:36,320
It does feel quite warry.

24
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:39,320
Still, we can't return fire
until we feel clearly endangered...

25
00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:40,560
I know, Simon.

26
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:44,920
GUNFIRE
Shit! I mean, hooray! Open fire!

27
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:51,320
Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42.
Contact. Oh, bugger. Shots fired.

28
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,600
Sitrep to follow. Wait out.

29
00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:00,560
Yep, don't use the big gun, Simon.

30
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:02,800
After all, it's not a war.

31
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,080
Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42.

32
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:37,560
Request immediate
fire support. Over.

33
00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:41,160
Shit! Simon, more incoming, second
group of enemies from the west.

34
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,800
Rocket!

35
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:44,320
Bird, get into cover. Yup.

36
00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:46,320
RADIO: Enemies close to you,
heading west.

37
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:49,680
Roger that. Over.
Mortar support figures too, boss.

38
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:54,200
Mortar Team Frost, this is Bluestone
42. Request HE 100m west of spot 25.

39
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,960
Boss! Boss, get here now!

40
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:07,280
IED, right there! Holy shit!

41
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:11,280
You useless bastards need to
practise your fives and twenties!

42
00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,760
Simon, I want everyone as
far away from this as possible.

43
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,000
Bird, get into cover!

44
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,360
I'm going to go in manual.

45
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:30,440
Roger that, boss.

46
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:31,960
Everyone, get down!

47
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:46,280
I've got control of him.

48
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:47,480
Incoming!

49
00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:50,000
INCOMING SHELLS

50
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:03,160
Thanks, boss. No problem.
Here's your weapon back, boss.

51
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,400
You OK? Yeah. No thanks to you.

52
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:09,360
I have to be my own force protection
now, do I? Your SA-80 jammed again!

53
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:13,520
It's the second time this week.
I clean it every day. Sorry, boss.

54
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,320
Well, sorry isn't going to help

55
00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:18,680
when I get a sucking chest wound...
to the head! Is it?

56
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:25,320
Luckily there's no danger of that,
as this isn't a fucking war!

57
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,360
Mac! Rocket!
Rifles stripped and cleaned.

58
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,000
"Rifles stripped and cleaned."

59
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,840
It wasnae our weapons
that didnae function.

60
00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:44,120
Uh, panic over, everyone.
Weapons Intelligence is here.

61
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,360
I've come about your special
bomb-making friend.

62
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:51,000
You've got someone? Awesome.

63
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,240
No, actually, we've had
a bit of a set back. Oh.

64
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:55,200
We thought we had someone
from a partial print

65
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,720
but he was just being paid
to stick the things in the ground.

66
00:04:57,720 --> 00:04:59,840
Ten-dollar Taliban. Shit.

67
00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:06,000
Then we saw a device with the orange
wire here, and Bluestone 44

68
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:10,000
found another one here, completely
fucking our location profiling.

69
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,680
So we've had to widen our search
to this area here.

70
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:17,480
We're referring to it as Area A.
A stands for Afghanistan. Perfect.

71
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:19,640
So what you're basically saying
is we've got nothing.

72
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:22,360
Oh, less than nothing - aren't we
a Dragon Runner down on the deal?

73
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:23,360
You don't stop him?

74
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,520
Well, the boss did shout,
"Stop that, you rotter!"

75
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:27,920
but for some reason
they just ignored him.

76
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:29,800
So talk me through this morning.

77
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:34,880
Well, basically, the main device
was designed to take ages,

78
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,800
making it more likely that someone
would step on this little chap.

79
00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:38,840
Hang about.

80
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,360
That's from an old VW Beetle.
Really? You what?

81
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,880
Safe to have. That is
an ignition-switch assembly.

82
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:50,240
Towerblock, did you used to nick
cars? My dad used to have a Beetle.

83
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:52,960
We used to tune it up
together every Sunday.

84
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:54,720
After I'd nicked some cars.

85
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,200
Right, well, I know
we've narrowed it down to Area A

86
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,280
but, as this is our
only link to the bomber,

87
00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:02,880
looks like we're going to
have to go with it.
Right, I'll get it to the lab.

88
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:04,240
Good work, Towerblock.

89
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:07,440
Ahh, we're going to have to
speak to the village elders.

90
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,240
See if they've seen a VW Beetle.
There's going to be a shura?

91
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:13,480
Awesome! Awesome?
Aren't they just proper boring?

92
00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,120
Yeah, but I get the day off.

93
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:18,480
Can't do Afghan diplomacy
if you've got ovaries. Who knew?

94
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:24,240
Oooh, yes, better, guys,
better. Yes!

95
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,920
Where's my firing-pin-retaining-pin?

96
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:30,480
It was here.

97
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,480
It was right here.

98
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:38,440
Where is it, Mac? Dunno. Rocket?

99
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,400
Is it lunch yet? Where is it?

100
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,120
You realise sabotaging a weapon
is a very serious offence?

101
00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:45,760
You must have dropped it on the
floor. Right, well, start looking.

102
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:49,560
Fingertip search!
Aw, fuck off! Do it yourself! NOW!

103
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:55,120
And whatever you do, do not
tell Nick that I've lost it. Shit!

104
00:06:55,120 --> 00:07:00,960
Towerblock, can you help...look for
my firing-pin-retaining-pin? Metal.

105
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:03,240
About this big.
Slightly bigger than his penis.

106
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:06,880
You know what you could do with
is some bit of kit that finds

107
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:08,120
little bits of metal.

108
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,080
Hmmm. Hang about.

109
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:19,320
Nick! Are you OK?
Yeah, right as rain.

110
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,560
I heard it was
a tough day at the office.

111
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,880
Yeah. If the office had been
attacked by terrorists,

112
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:27,320
the photocopier was stuffed
full of explosives
and the tea lady pulled an AK on me.

113
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:30,440
Right. Look, I don't want you
to feel you can't talk to me

114
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:31,720
like you always have.

115
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:35,680
I mean, just because
we've, er, you know...

116
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:39,600
slept together, it doesn't
mean that we can't chat.

117
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:44,080
Anyway, I hope you feel OK
about all of that.
Do you feel OK? You seem OK.

118
00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:49,160
We'll just play it cool and act like
it never happened. Yeah? Nick?

119
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:53,200
Er, yeah. Great, yeah. Cool.

120
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:58,880
OK. Good. Great.
So...see you around. Yeah.

121
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:01,840
Bye.

122
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,760
METAL DETECTOR BEEPS

123
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,640
OK, guys, joke's over.
Give it back.

124
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:18,960
This lack of trust is actually quite
hurtful. Aye. We didn't nick it.

125
00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:25,400
Did we? Here, Mac. Vallon this!
See if I've got lead in my pencil.

126
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:29,360
Fuck's sake! Sabotaging a weapon
is an AGAI offence.

127
00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:31,800
When I prove that
you have stolen it,

128
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:33,880
I will have you both
court-martialled.

129
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:37,240
Do you understand? We didn't
nick it, all right! Simon.

130
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,440
Let's go get some lunch -
have a look with fresh eyes.

131
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:42,840
I don't want lunch.
Yeah, you do. Come on.

132
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:52,320
Sir. Aaah, Khaleesi,
loser of Dragons. What?

133
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:55,000
Just working my way through
Game Of Thrones.

134
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:58,120
No? Anyway, don't worry
about the robot.

135
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,920
Just file it under expensive
fuck-ups. Next to Iraq. Yes, sir.

136
00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,200
But you weren't coming
to see me about that, were you?

137
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:08,120
Actually, we just wanted to have
a sit down with the village elders -
talk about this bomber.

138
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,840
Probably some ex-mujaheddin veteran
trained by the CIA.

139
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,080
Fought the Soviets,

140
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:17,800
and anyone else who wandered
uninvited into his country.

141
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:21,880
Suppose I should respect him, really.
Really? No! He's trying to kill me!

142
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:24,720
If I ever get my hands on him,
I'm going to punch him and punch him

143
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:28,040
until Simon mutters
something about it being
"a little bit unprofessional".

144
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:31,280
Then I'd punch him again.
Then I'm going to punch Simon. Right.

145
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:35,320
This afternoon Captain Softly
was going to talk to some elders
about a school we're knocking up.

146
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:37,680
Why don't you do that instead,
see what you can find out?

147
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:38,920
That'd be fantastic.

148
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:44,000
And no jokes about burqas, bombs,
al-Qaeda, guns, polygamy,

149
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:49,360
Russians, goats, dogs, cricket,
Pakistan, women's education,

150
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:52,040
Thursday nights, or hats.

151
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:55,040
Right, but the bin Laden material
is fine though, yeah? Oh, yes.

152
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:56,840
That stuff's gold. Carry on.

153
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,000
Oh, there it is.

154
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,240
Let's give it to him.
No, no, no, no, no, no!

155
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:11,800
Eh? He'll think we've nicked it.

156
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:15,120
He'll try and get us
court-martialled.

157
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:18,600
But we can't let him go
without a weapon. And we won't.

158
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:24,600
We'll just let him find the pin
himself. Ahhhhh! Genius.

159
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:29,440
But how's he going to find it there?

160
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:32,960
I could stand here pointing at it.

161
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:39,240
So...

162
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:44,800
Hi, Bird. Oh, yeah, I never
had a chance to thank you. For?

163
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:45,960
For... You know,

164
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:50,920
so that you-know-who would
lose interest. He clearly has.

165
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:54,600
And you're fine with that, are you?
Oh, yeah. Totally fine.

166
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:59,520
Anyway, the point is, he's moved on,
no harm done. So that's...thank you.

167
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:04,120
No problem, Padre. I knew if
you fucked him, he'd lose interest.

168
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:09,360
I... What? No, that...
That was just a wind-up.

169
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,600
Oh, you don't really think
that we... I don't think. I know.

170
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,880
Welcome to the Medhurst scrapheap.

171
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:21,560
I'm so weak. Why did I give in?

172
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:26,360
Curiosity? Sexual frustration?
Boredom? Low self-esteem?

173
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,400
Buzz in when you hear
one you like. Thank you, Bird.

174
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,480
Ready? Aye.

175
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:51,960
Ahhh! You two all right? Aye. OK,
change of plan for the afternoon.

176
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,240
16:00. Meeting with
the village elders.

177
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,120
We'll have the usual small talk.

178
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:59,560
Then we'll tell them we're
building them a new school.
Aren't we generous?

179
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:01,680
And then casually ask them
about the VW Beetle.

180
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,840
Are we going to ask about
the robot, an' all? Nah.

181
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:07,440
We'll get a new one. Rocket,
you're our food point man. Gleaming.

182
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:12,200
Yeah, I seem to remember that
their house speciality is cartilage,
so you'll be eating for two.

183
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:16,360
Right, we leave at 15:00. Okey-doke.

184
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,960
So, you're saying
have a bit of lunch. No, I...

185
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:29,760
I need a weapon for the shura.
Go to the CQ?

186
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:33,240
What, and get my name put
on the board as Twat Of The Week?

187
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:37,000
Oh, then Nick'll find out. I don't
want him to think I'm incompetent.

188
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:41,320
Yeah. Best hide that fact
for as long as possible.

189
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,480
You want weapon? Oh! Sh!

190
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:49,320
What I need really is
a firing-pin-retaining-pin.

191
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:55,280
Ah, no, very tricky.
New weapon, $50.

192
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:59,640
New firing-pin-retaining-pin,
$1,000.

193
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,280
Well, I don't have 1,000...

194
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,440
Let's see the weapon.

195
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:19,760
Oh, it's brilliant!
Behold! The AK-48!

196
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:25,640
Like an AK-47 but more so!

197
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:29,760
Yes, more gold.
Only $50. Bargain.

198
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,240
I can't carry that,
I'm in the bloody army!

199
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:35,520
You carry this, you will look like
you are in a much better army!

200
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,960
You will look like
the king of the army!

201
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,360
I will look like a drug dealer.

202
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:44,280
Many of the people at this shura
will be drug dealers.

203
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:49,600
Well, poppy farmers. You will fit
right in. Categorically not.

204
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,280
I throw in gold bazooka. No.

205
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:15,960
HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

206
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,280
He is happy to meet with you again.

207
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:22,120
HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

208
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:23,840
They heard about the robot.

209
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,880
HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

210
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,360
Hashtag fail.

211
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:39,120
HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

212
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,800
They know where it is. Really?

213
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,600
We can't go and get it, Towerblock.
It'll be a come-on.

214
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,960
Find out where it is though.
Show some willing.

215
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,240
And tell them about the school.

216
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:52,920
Sure you don't want to try
this kebab, boss? It's delicious.

217
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,880
Um, sorry, Rocket,
I've got a personal rule -

218
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,720
never take gastronomic advice
from a Scotsman.

219
00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:00,400
They are very happy that
the British are concerned

220
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,440
for the education of their children.

221
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:06,000
Good, now ask them about
the Beetle. Yes, I have.

222
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,880
But they don't want you
to go away hungry.

223
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:13,360
They have reserved a special dish
for their most honoured guest.

224
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:23,520
The eyeballs and testicles
of the sheep. Oh, dear.

225
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,840
Jesus, I wouldn't eat those.

226
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:34,360
HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

227
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:38,200
He says food first,
then you can talk about the Beetle.

228
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:53,680
This is very nice.

229
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:59,080
So, Um, about the Beetle? Oh.

230
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,640
They have not seen one.

231
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,520
Bird.

232
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,160
Ah, Doctor Who?

233
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,800
No, don't mind me.

234
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,880
It's a good episode and you're
probably going to talk all over it.

235
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:17,720
Ma'am. No, I'm not.

236
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,920
Although I could do with
a TARDIS right now.

237
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:23,080
Go back in time and change
a few things. Can't do that.

238
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,720
You'd create a temporal paradox.
Terrible idea.

239
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:27,080
I only want to change one thing.

240
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,720
Even the smallest thing
can destroy your entire future.

241
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,480
That's what... Oh... Oh!

242
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:40,560
Sorry, Bird. I'm sorry...
Ooh! Just being silly.

243
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,240
I can't talk to anyone else.

244
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:46,960
I knew this day would come. Full-on
girly chats, waterworks. Bollocks!

245
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:50,560
I just... Argh! I blame myself.

246
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:56,400
Yeah, I blame you as well.
Look, what do you want from Nick?

247
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,280
I want things to go back to before.

248
00:16:58,280 --> 00:16:59,840
SHE MOCKS BUZZER
No, you don't.

249
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:04,240
Eh? You want Nick to have fallen
in love with you. No, I don't!

250
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,640
Pretty sure you do.

251
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,920
Nick Medhurst
only loves one person Oh!

252
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:14,760
Nick Medhurst. Which is
why nothing ever touches him.

253
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,560
He's all like, "Yeah, why not -
could be fun." And it IS fun.

254
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,360
For him. Right.

255
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:27,120
Bird, do you think he'll ever
change? No. Do you? Ye... Yeah...

256
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:28,280
SHE MIMICS BUZZER
But...

257
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:29,600
SHE MIMICS BUZZER
Maybe...

258
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:33,920
SHE MIMICS BUZZER
Bird, you are terrible
at girly chats.

259
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,200
I try to be.

260
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:51,760
Come on, guys. Shout's on.

261
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:58,640
Oooh! Circle.

262
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:13,720
All right, boss. All done.
We've double-checked.

263
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,120
Cos I know you've got
a fan in the Taliban.

264
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:19,240
Ooh. Rhymed. Just my luck.

265
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,840
Now, off you fuck. Oh, very good.

266
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:24,640
Oh.

267
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:38,160
CQ give you a rifle then, skip? Yes.

268
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:42,320
Did he make you Twat Of The Week?
No. How come? You pay him off?

269
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:46,360
Well, you remember
the home-made fudge
that Charlotte used to send me?

270
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:48,600
HE GIGGLES
Fudge.

271
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:50,000
It's not funny.

272
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,880
We were together for 14 years.

273
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:56,280
And for how many of those years
did she give you fudge?

274
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,120
He's charging me
one box every six hours.

275
00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:01,560
If I don't pay, I'm on
the Twat Of The Week board.

276
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,840
Is he allowed to do that? He can do
what he wants. He's toying with me.

277
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,440
I've only got four boxes left.

278
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,320
HE GIGGLES
Toying with your fudge.

279
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,000
THEY GIGGLE

280
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,040
Well, here's a thing.

281
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:27,920
This device was made by my bezza
in the Taliban. Your Talibezza.

282
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:29,880
That's... Graham's track.

283
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,000
Used to make the pressure plate.
Low metal.

284
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,280
Cheeky bastards cannibalising
the robot for parts.

285
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:38,880
God, it's like a hostage situation
where they send you
the fingers of a loved one.

286
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,520
So, if the bomber's
got the robot...?

287
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:43,720
What say we go ring his doorbell,
but instead of running off,

288
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,080
blow down the door,
pile in and see who he is.

289
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:49,080
Fucking come on! And then
kick the shit out of him.

290
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,800
That would be unprofessional.

291
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:53,080
Boss, you're not going to
do anything stupid, are you?

292
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,160
It's a bit late for that, Bird.
I came here to pull bombs
out of the ground.

293
00:19:56,160 --> 00:20:00,120
But the only reason the bombs are
in the ground in the first place
is cos I came here.

294
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,000
It's all pretty fucking stupid.

295
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:16,440
Oooh, fudge!

296
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,720
No, it's my last box
and it's for CQMS.

297
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,640
I need that gun
for the overnight raid.

298
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,320
Skip, just be Twat Of The Week.
It's only a week.

299
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:26,400
Everyone thinks
you're a twat anyway, so...

300
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:30,200
This operation could get really
kinetic. Properly...kinetic.

301
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,800
Fucking hope so.

302
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:36,320
I just don't want Nick thinking
that I can't protect him.

303
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:44,800
Maybe you'll find your
retaining-pin, skip.
Drink your tea. Aye.

304
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:48,560
Things are always in the last
place you look. Nah, it's gone.

305
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:52,200
Never mind. Hey! Drink your tea.

306
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,440
I'm just sorry
I thought it was you two.

307
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:59,040
Because you are better than that.
Aye. Drink your tea.

308
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:03,240
HE CHOKES

309
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:06,560
What the fuck was that?!
What did I just swallow?

310
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:12,320
Firing-pin-retaining-pin, skip.
What?! So you did fucking nick it!

311
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:16,320
No, we never! So what was that?!
We found it! Bollocks!

312
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,960
Why didn't you just give it to me?
Cos you don't trust us.

313
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,760
If we just handed it over, you'd say
we'd stolen it. No, I wouldn't.

314
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:26,440
But we just did hand it over and you
did say we'd stolen it. Case closed.

315
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,200
Ah-ha!

316
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:32,440
Right. I'm organising a trip
to a quiet place in the country.

317
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,960
Which we're going to
slightly blow up.

318
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:38,280
We go in at 0300, so total
radio silence at 0230.

319
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:41,880
This gives us the added advantage
that we won't be able to hear

320
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,680
any of Sergeant Hogg's shit jokes.

321
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:46,240
So, let's get them
all out the way now.

322
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:51,040
Ladies, gentleman and engineers,
Search Team Leader Sergeant Hogg.

323
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:55,800
So, here's the compound we're
looking at. Entrances here and here.

324
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,560
There's a mine in the doorway,
so that's out.

325
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:36,920
This wall looks good but I want
to clear along the top first.

326
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,040
GUNSHOT

327
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:02,440
Medic!

328
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,120
Go, go, go!

329
00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,640
Shit!
GUNFIRE

330
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:25,520
Right, nobody touch a fucking thing!
Simon, get the search team. Boss.

331
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:38,600
We need a full fingertip search.

332
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,680
Everything could be booby-trapped.

333
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:44,120
Yeah. This is him.

334
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:45,280
Not necessarily, boss.

335
00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:50,000
I mean, how much orange wire is
there in the world? No, I know it.

336
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:53,360
Boss, it might not be him.
This is him, all right.

337
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:57,960
He's been doing this for years.
We're secure. How's Hogg? Fucked.

338
00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:01,400
On a chopper. Still breathing.
Losing blood. Shit. SHIT!

339
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:05,360
When I get my fucking hands
on this guy I'm going to...

340
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:11,920
Boss...he was trying to run away.

341
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:18,400
This is him?

342
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,240
Fuck's sake.

343
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:25,440
What am I going to do now?

344
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:28,520
Find out who his favourite member
of One Direction is?

345
00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:33,520
How old is he? 17. So?

346
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:35,880
You made all these?

347
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:41,600
Just take him away.

348
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:52,480
KNOCK AT DOOR

349
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:56,960
So you got him, then? Yeah.

350
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:03,600
I thought there'd be
this big moment,

351
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:06,480
you know, when we're
face to face and I say...

352
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:10,040
I dunno. Or I'd hit him or something.

353
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:11,760
I sound like a dick.

354
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:15,360
And how do you feel now? Honestly?

355
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,320
I feel nothing. Just. nothing.

356
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:24,840
Just...empty.

357
00:25:26,120 --> 00:25:28,200
Is there anything I can do for you?

358
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:40,760
No, we can't.

359
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:46,400
Just thought it might
be fun. Who for?

360
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:55,000
I dunno.

361
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:06,240
OK. Good meeting, everyone.

362
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,200
You been Valloning your own
shit again, Corporal? Yes.

363
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:24,280
Do you find your retaining-pin? No.

364
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:30,080
Did you do a fingertip
search as well?

365
00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:32,080
Yes.

366
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:35,360
I've got two hours before the fudge
runs out and I'm Twat Of The Week.

367
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:37,600
Well, next time,
you'll know to trust your men.

368
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:42,680
No, cos next time Mac will nick it.
Aye. I probably will.

369
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,480
It'll turn up eventually.
Well, let's hope so,

370
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:48,680
because there's a limit
to how much of my own shit
I will search through.

371
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:51,200
Out of interest, Simon,
how much shit is that?

372
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,160
Actually, I'd rather not know.

373
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:57,320
But I am keen to discover
the rationale behind
your faecal trawlings.

374
00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:59,640
Sir, through a series of...

375
00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:03,880
unfortunate events, I swallowed
by firing-pin-retaining-pin.

376
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,960
Oh, dear. Those things
are like hen's teeth.

377
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:09,800
Nick, Simon's swallowed
his firing-pin-retaining-pin.

378
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:12,840
Been going through his shit
to try and recover it. Resourceful.

379
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,920
You should have said so.
I always carry a spare.

380
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:22,000
Anyway, just wanted to congratulate
you on the raid. A great success.

381
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,240
And we've heard that
Sergeant Hogg has stabilised.

382
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:26,880
Poor chap's lost the eye
but otherwise doing OK.

383
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:30,120
Thank God for that. Guys,
we've won a competition. Have we?

384
00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:33,040
Yeah, we won a trip to see a
suspected IED in Yellow 1A. Woo(!)

385
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:34,280
Well, carry on.

386
00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:48,280
Lost an eye. Poor fucker.

387
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:52,240
But on the plus side,
half-price sunglasses.

388
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,880
And the Annual Wedge fancy-dress
ball, he can come as a pirate.

389
00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:59,440
Maybe he could get a bionic eye -
see through walls.

390
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:03,640
Oh, that'd be fucking mint!
Still, he's got his crown jewels.

391
00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:04,800
What more does he want?

392
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:07,720
I know it's your dream to have
more balls than eyes, Mac,

393
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:09,280
but maybe Sergeant Hogg...

394
00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:31,320
RADIO: 'Bluestone 42? Bluestone 42?

395
00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:34,040
'Bluestone 42, respond.

396
00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:36,840
'Bluestone 42,
nothing heard, answer me.

397
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:40,560
'Charlie Charlie One, this is Zero
Alpha Two One Alpha Two Two Alpha,

398
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:43,320
'establish point of co-ordinates...'